Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
