Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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