I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
