I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
