Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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