sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
