Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Every concussion has its silver lining
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
