There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
