Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
