Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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