good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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