ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
