He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
It's never too late to be topless.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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