you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
