i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
not ubering you a puppy
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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