i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
