the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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