I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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