You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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