Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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