I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
