I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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