What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it wasn't lemon gatorade
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
