You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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