Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize