About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
