Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
