did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
