Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Randomize