I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
