Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
