What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
