I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
