he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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