bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
