We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
