Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize