Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
