Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
she looked like the before picture.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
