Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
