Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
