Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
