I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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