the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
