well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
