So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
