I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Randomize
