I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
