so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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