I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
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