I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
