I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
