It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
