I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Soap is not a condiment
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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