Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
