It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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