i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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