I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
