Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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