I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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